Fifty ways to leave your lover

A recent task in my U3A writing group was to list 50 ways to end a relationship, then write a bit about a couple of them. Here is my attempt.

Fifty Ways To End A Relationship                                Bruce McCorkill Jan2016

1: Man steps on butterfly

2: Man caught with wine receipt

3: Woman goes overseas

4: Wife discovers husband has a child, conceived while with her.

5: Woman discovers she is lesbian

6: Woman turns 60 and wants to be herself

7: Couple’s children finally leave home

8: Best man refuses to shave beard off

9: Two people have an incredibly erotic passionate affair which just burn out

10: Man has a hairy dog which girlfriend can’t cope with

11: Woman meets potential mother in law for first time

12: Woman attends hometown funeral and meets old flame

13: Husband strikes wife for the first and final time

14: Wife finally decides to leave abusive home situation after spouse abuses children

15: Husband discovers wife’s secret mobile phone

16: Man arrives home unexpectedly, and finds wife in bed with best friend

17: Couple have child with special needs, just too hard for husband to cope

18: Empty nester couple realise they have just grown too far apart

19: Spouse turns into chronic alcoholic

20: One partner loves overseas travel, other refuses to go overseas

21: Female partner goes to art galleries and concerts, male likes hunting and fishing

22: Both partners fanatically barrack for different football teams

23: Female becomes prime minister, husband is jealous and can’t cope

24: Left wing woman discovers husband is secret ASIO spy

25: Woman inherits million dollars, so can leave awful relationship

26: Woman discovers husband has a vicious criminal past including murder

27: Husband discovers wife is already married, and is double bigamist

28: Husband retires, wife can’t cope with him moping around and organising her life

29: Wife assists husband in suicide

30: Woman discovers fiancé already has four children

31: Wife and husband on continual shift work, never see each other

32: Man commits murder and jailed for life, wife can’t cope

33: Woman attends potential husband’s Xmas bar barque, family is simply awful

34: Wife develops Alzheimer’s, stops recognising husband

35: Childhood sweethearts both move to different states with families

36: Boy turns 18, leaves small town dysfunctional family, never returns

37: Possessive mother hides letters from son’s girlfriend while she is overseas

38: Man goes to fight overseas, is killed

39: Lovers working in same office are transferred overseas

40: Husband starts doing drugs and spends family money

41: Wife starts to steal from husband’s investment s to feed gambling habit

42: Couple join different political parties, spend all time arguing

43: Owner has to put down long owned pet

44: Spouse has to decide to stop life support system of partner

45: Man victim of vicious one punch attack, dies leaving distraught woman

46: Woman returns overseas to care for ailing parent, loves old country too much

47: War is finished and wife’s husband returns home, lover has to go

48: Syrian refugee couple separated in detention camps turmoil

49: Woman’s illegal immigrant partner is deported

50: Person enjoying a passionate idyllic island romance has to return home to reality

 

 

The evidence based way of leaving your lover.

I enjoyed Friday nights. The working week was done, we were both home together, could sit on the deck with a bottle of our favourite wine and tasty cheese.

This Friday night would be different. We were to play a game, with a lot at stake.

I started the conversation. “How was the conference?”

“Great, we worked hard, did a lot of team work, it was worthwhile. How was your week?”

That’s all he said. Strange, because normally he would be bursting with details of the conference, boasting of his presentation and networking skills. But his response was not totally unexpected.

“Meet anyone special?”

Once again, “No, just the usual boring corporate people. Tell me more about your week.”

Also strange, because normally by now he would be eagerly telling me about the multitude of very important people he was mixing with.

“I tried to ring a few times, but only got your voice mail.”

A small frown came over his face. “I guess that’s normal, we were tucked right away up in the country at the resort, the phone reception was nonexistent.”

“That’s really strange, because I bumped into my friend Jan and by a coincidence her partner was also at the conference. She rang him and got through. I asked her to pass on a message to you, but he said you weren’t there. I wanted to wish you a happy wedding anniversary.”

A bead of perspiration began to trickle down his forehead. “Yes, that’s really strange, although it was a big affair, he must have just missed seeing me. Let’s stop talking about me; tell me what you’ve been doing.”

I watched the trickle turn into a stream. This was proof enough. Stop playing around I thought, time to ace this bastard.

“Well James, I have been busy. In fact, after work tonight I picked up all of our clothes and did the washing. Just so we could have a cosy night together, then tomorrow we can head off to the beach house.”

He hesitated. “Personally, I’d prefer to stay at home, mow the lawns, tidy the garden.”

“That’s strange, you normally can’t wait to get to the house. But I really feel like some of that champagne we both like, the one for special occasions, the one we can only get at the bottle shop near the beach house. We can celebrate our anniversary, ten years of marital bliss.”

By now the stream was a torrent, and his face was flushed.

I continued softly. “Yes the champagne we drink, just for us. I notice you bought a bottle recently. As usual I found a receipt in your shirt pocket. You always do that don’t you, forget to empty your shirt pocket. But it was thoughtful of you to buy a bottle for our wedding anniversary.”

He paused for a long moment, thinking, desperately wondering what was coming next. “Ah yes, I know, I always seem to do that.”

“Yes, it’s certainly a bad habit, you should have stopped doing that a long time ago. But James, I noticed a curious thing. It was dated only a couple of days ago, in fact it was when you were up the country at this conference. But it was from our little bottle shop. Maybe you felt like celebrating our anniversary by getting in your expensive sports car and driving hundreds of kilometres from the conference up bush to the bottle shop at our beach house. Just to buy a bottle of our favourite champagne. What a touching gesture. Did you enjoy drinking it, thinking of me? Did you share it with anybody?”

His mouth flapped open, his throat twitched, but no words came out, there was nothing he could say.

“Enough of this maybe crap” I snapped. “You are a lying two timing piece of crap. I’m going down to the house in the morning. I suspect I’ll find a lot of evidence. I bet you forgot to hide the bottle, it’s probably still in the bin. I wonder what style of perfume I will smell. You probably didn’t even make the bed properly; you always were a lousy housekeeper. Will the furniture be in the same place? I only hope that you had some shred of decency left to screw your piece of fluff in the spare bedroom.”

The game was over, I had won but it was a sour victory. I played my final shot. “I’ll take your precious car down, it’s going to be mine in our property settlement, as well as this house and most of your super. When I’m back, you had better be gone.”

The crushing way to leave your lover.

The weekend had been magic. Just the two of us spending time alone in a bush cabin far away from the city. It had been the culmination of several months of dating, developing into courtship. We had clicked from the start, there was a mutual feeling of being soul mates, we were in love.

There were differences .Jack could be a bit of a knock about guy, sometimes too blokey for my taste, but then again he would tease me about being too ladylike. So all in all, these were small things in an otherwise great relationship.

I suspected that he had asked me up to the weekend to pop the big question, in a romantic setting. I also knew what my answer would be – a definite yes.

Standing close together, Jack murmured, “Jan, there’s something I want to ask you.”

“Ask away” I responded softly.

He opened his mouth, but suddenly looked to the side. I followed his gaze. A big moth had landed on the decking at our feet. It was beautiful, golden bands around its body, large fluttering wings moving in the breeze. I had heard about these creatures in this part of the bush, and I thought what a lovely sight to finish the weekend with.

“Wait just a tic” he said and moved to the creature. With no warning his boot crunched the insect into a flat mess, then he casually flicked the remains off the deck.

“Now as I was saying.”

I looked at him in horror.

“Jack, you just killed that lovely moth, a lovely living creature. Why?”

“So what, it was just a bloody insect.” He grinned, “Just wait till I take you roo shooting.”

My heart felt like the moth, crushed and lifeless.

“Jack, take me home, now.”

 

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4 thoughts on “Fifty ways to leave your lover

  1. I’ll never leave a receipt for anything, anytime, anyplace, anywhere again…..All I have to do is stop shaking!!!! I admit to stomping on bloody snails occasionally, especially near the vege garden, but maybe I’d better reconsider this as well.
    Enjoy your holiday Bruce.

    Like

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